Gender Shmender

I was always a girly girl. In fourth grade my wardrobe consisted of two dresses. One was polka-dotted blue and the other was pink and white striped. I didn't like wearing jeans. I wanted to wear my hair in braids. I wanted to stay home with my sister and play school in the basement and barbies on the porch.

I used to want long, black hair. When I drew pictures of myself as a "grown up", I would always have long, long wavy black hair and a rainbow dress.

At least I got the rainbow part right?

When I was a kid I was extremely quiet and well behaved. Like a lady should be, I'm sure, but I was just a shy kid. When my father used to take me out for ice cream we always went to the same place. I must have been three or four. And every time I would hide behind his legs and make him order for me.

In elementary school, I used to hate being the line leader. It's the job everyone wanted. Everyone except for me, I guess. I just didn't like being in the spotlight, being in the front. I was content to be one in the crowd. I didn't want anyone to notice me. I didn't want to be responsible for anyone else.

I was that girl for awhile. In high school I wore makeup and straightened my hair. I wore skirts and high heels. But something changed. I started over, I found my voice, I became louder and more opinionated. In college I stopped wearing makeup. I became more self-confident than ever. Everyone thought I had always been loud, always been opinionated, always been self-assured, always been..a dyke.

Well how did that happen?

I'm gay. I'm very, very gay. No one is denying that. But when did people start to realize it? I remember things. Bits and pieces. Wanting to pick up Michelle Kwan while she was skating. Wanting to kiss a girl on the bus. But I don't think my family and friends realized until I wasn't interested in boys. I don't think I realized until I realized I wasn't interested in boys. It wasn't that I had always wanted to date girls, it was that I knew I didn't want to date boys.

Now I don't know how I want to express my gender identity. Sometimes I want to "look gay." I want to be recognized as a queer lady. But I don't know if that's me. Other times, especially when I'm around straight people, I want to look feminine. I want to prove to them that not all lesbians wear flannel shirts and ride motorcycles. But are either of those really who I am?

Sigh. Such are the angsty rants of a twenty year-old not-quite-feminine-not-quite-masculine lesbian.

MJ